The title will make sense as you read this story.
The first photo is from 2014. That adorable little black ram lamb was going to be our herd-sire for years to come. He was unrelated to the two white ewes, and we kept the smaller of the two white lambs for breeding, too. It was the start of a nice Babydoll Southdown flock.
Brock (named after a Pokemon character) was gorgeous. He did a great job of breeding in winter 2014, and sired the three beautiful lambs in the 2nd photo, born about a year ago.
He started acting mean towards me while he was with the ewes that winter. The shearer warned me this past spring that a ram like Brock could easily break my leg if I wasn't careful. This was uncharacteristic behavior for any Southdown sheep, but....this is how he was and what I needed to deal with. I should have followed common-sense a year ago, but...
I couldn't bear to send him to the butcher. He was *supposed* to be here for years.
For my own safety, Brock was kept in a fairly large pen inside the barn. He didn't get his hooves trimmed more than once last year, and I didn't attempt to give him his CD&T shots. I didn't go in unless I needed to. That probably didn't help with the aggression.
When I moved him to a new pen in preparation for one more breeding match-up, he nearly broke my wrist. If I'd been next to a cement or wooden wall instead of a livestock panel, I could have been seriously hurt. Another time I broke a glass milk bottle over his head in an instant reaction to him making a run at me. It's what was in my hand and before I could think, I had smashed it on his head. Honestly, if I'd had a shovel in my hand, I would have clanged that on his skull without thinking.... That was the level of danger I was in.
He staggered back and then gathered himself for another run. I pushed him back behind a thick piece of plywood so that I could pick the glass bits out of his bedding, keeping an eye on whether he was making progress to get past that board and come at me again.
I was home by myself that morning. It was clear that things needed to change.
So finally this past week, his appointment with destiny arrived and we sent him away. The writing was on the wall, there was no other choice. I could not have sold him to anyone else and then worried about someone being injured. He couldn't be loaned out for breeding, because he had started being pushy and mean towards the ewes...
He was truly gorgeous, and I'm not happy that his life needed to end. It was, however, absolutely necessary.
Jeff helped me to load him into a large dog crate in the back of my Trailblazer, and we brought him to our friends who were hauling some sheep and hogs to the butcher.
The next day, I drove to pick up his skin and the skin of one lamb our friends from Hillbunker Farms had brought in.
This had seemed like such a common-sense, wonderful idea. Why waste the skin of such a beautiful animal? Why not have it preserved, and bring back a sheepskin worthy of display or of use? His chocolate brown wool was easily 2 or 3 inches thick. It was worth the cost to bring this pelt to the tanner and see how it turned out.
Right?
Here is where the unexpected emotions bubbled up. I went around the back of the butcher shop, and there was his skin, unmistakably his, unceremoniously dumped on the concrete step. It was supposed to be returned to me in a box, but it was just lying there in a crumpled heap. I expected to be OK if I didn't actually see it, but there it was, in plain view. I asked for a bag, and the butcher deposited the white lamb's pelt and Brock's in a clear plastic bag and threw it in the back of my car...
Imagine those cartoons where the character has a red flush rising visibly up his face. (And then steam usually comes out of his ears) That was me. I could physically feel the stress level rising. My inner ears felt like I was under water, or changing altitude too quickly. I can't remember the parts of the conversation that my friend and I had on the way to the tanner's, or on the way back home. It's a bit scary to think of how much this one incident affected me. Maybe I shouldn't have been so casual about wanting his skin returned to me...
With the pelts delivered to Milwaukee, and back home, even a day later I felt like my stress level was rather high. Something about knowing Brock was alive just moments before, and then seeing his skin like a deflated balloon just got to me. I keep picturing it. I needed to type it all out and diffuse some of the tension. So here we are, and thank-you if you've read this far. This helps to sort through the reaction that didn't make sense, and to put things in perspective.
At least there are 5 months before this part of my ram will be returned to us, and then it will find a home at our son's place, not here in our house.
It's seems strange that I reacted the way that I did...when I think of how much it needed to happen.
It's such a relief that he's not in our barn anymore.
It's a relief to go in and not need to watch my back if I'm next to his pen, or feeding him, or bringing him fresh hay or water.
He is not an animal that I loved, because I couldn't trust him. He glared at me or snorted and pawed the ground. He tossed his head or stamped his hoof. He would have knocked me to the ground without even thinking. He was dangerous, and I should have sent him away much, much sooner. I am very thankful that at no time did he have the opportunity to really hurt someone. I am thankful for our little farm dog Taffy, who I needed to call on a few times to force Brock to back down and move back where he belonged. (Which she did with tenacity and obvious glee, much to my own delight)
Brock's fresh skin crumpled on the cement step was not really heartbreaking, or gut-wrenching. It's hard to explain why the stress rose like it did, or why it hit me so hard.
The learning curve is still in full swing, apparently, with no end in sight. A good thing. I think it's just the question of life, and being the one to decide to take that life. The skin on the ground just hit too close to home... (For what it's worth, I think we WILL ask for the skins of future lambs or sheep that we bring in. It doesn't make sense to waste that part of their existence when it could be such a beautiful item, for sale, or for gifts to our children, or for us (eventually). I think I will eventually come to terms with it.
I can't truly say that day-to-day safety is assured on this farm, but at least it's a bit safer than it was when Brock was here. He was the resident that hated me. That was never going to change.
I don't miss him. I think I miss the promise of what he could have been, and regret how it needed to end when that didn't happen.
That last photo....his twin ram lambs from this past spring. Such sweeties, so calm and gentle, and so loved in their new home. Brock's babies did not inherit his mean nature, that's for sure.
Looking not too far into the future: Babies should arrive in March. Some of them will be Brock's. New life will take the place of the life that is gone....
And a little later still: A new ram lamb is coming our way to take Brock's place, maybe in late May or in June. I don't know if it will be black or white, but he will be a good genetic match for our three ewes: April, her 2014 daughter May, and her 2015 daughter Sunny.
Once more, it will be a beautiful flock (that I can safely walk through!), with a promising future here on our little farm.